Chapter 1 – a dichotomy

While it seems redundant to start of with the title of the book as a chapter title, i think i need to clarify what “a dichotomy” represents. A dichotomy, is the nature in which experience is translated. A division and/or contrast between 2 things that are viewed as being in conflict of, or entirely different from an other. The saying “I’m not myself, right now” comes to mind. Utilizing a conceptual me to describe how i’m no longer myself is that quirky, silly-fun behavior i mentioned in a forward. And here i’m going to lay the quirky me on pretty thick. This will be a gear switch mentally, so you might want to get used to that now…

But, a bird isn’t a tree, it’s 2 different things! –

I want to confess, i loathe people. Not so much the individual, per-say, but the general idea of people. Big gatherings, mobs, large venues, etc, turns me into a blithering idiot and i tend to just flow through the banter as if i’m supposed to be a part of it, awash with some fired up passion of the moment. I usually regret my participation if i get all wound up with the group but i often just stand there, dumbfounded at the goings on. I never enjoyed school spirit and i’d rather enjoy practicing quirky behavior alone or in the company of a limited few.

Touch a hot stove? Damn right! –

Very early on in my life (around 5), this form, so seamlessly alive, became an ego. Fully entrenched with self-preservation tendencies, regulated desires, and i loathed every moment of it. I was really just a big ole jug of suffering, anxious, madness, somehow, with immediacy, the desire to uncover the age old “who am i”. Organized religion, rituals led by some idealized authority, burned me with the perpetual feeling that no one should suffer at the hands of magical beings, imagined, angry and deceitful. Yet, somehow, when people get together, they become entranced with the reality of the moment, believing (without comprehension, without question) these fantastical mysticism’s. That’s society as a whole though, what we expose our children to, in order to interact and behave, at odds with others; “don’t do that Timmy, it’s inappropriate”. While it’s a very important requirement that a society tend to believe in and enjoy common goals and expect certain reactions, they are deeply misaligned with reality, buried under a pile of the us versus them-isms, ego driven, suffering.

I do want to make it clear that suffering is, itself a purpose. Your average neighborhood guru would tell you “suffering is a learning experience” and i’m not here to deny that kernel of wisdom, but i’m going to also say, i could write a novella of experiences with hot things that have burned me. Hmm, wait, never mind…

Regardless though, a good majority of our wonderful population tend to fall on the sword and say it’s a “process of growth”. A slight to the idea that one gains some knowledge about an experience so they don’t repeat it. But we don’t learn, not in the way one thinks about things they learn anyway. We repeat, without precedent, wittingly or not, mistakes, errors and unfortunate circumstances.

We do this, since we aren’t ourselves, we are dichotomy in flux. We reflect and refrain, endlessly. When i say “we” i truly mean the royal we, not as just human beings, but as all aspects of an experienced reality, even a bird and a tree.