I’m not an avid writer, this expression (or most forms of the like, speech, dance, etc.) isn’t a practice I’m particularly keen on. Organizing thoughts and expressing insight's just aren’t my forte. I’m not an introvert or even an extrovert, but an “of the moment” indoctrinate. Things happen through me, never around me or because of me. It might drive some crazy, but to me it’s normal and opens up a perspective that we can be and are this or that.
From an early age (around 5 or so) I fully embraced, unwillingly, the lack of separation of things. Not just me and other stuff (or beings), but of all perceptible experience in even the most general manner. Throwing a ball, watching a squirrel skitter up a tree, all looked and felt cohesive, but among them, chaotic and entirely irrelevant as individual occurrences.
In a brief moment, I experienced an anxiety paramount to the death of independent being when I was no longer a self, but an old man in a hospital on his death bed. Up till that moment things progressed as one might imagine, linear, by-way-of a cause and effect, your typical duality, just as one could only assume *others* experienced being. Post “trauma” things felt more plurally in unison, throughout all organized vibrations, such as language, visual art, touch, taste and smell and/or through any *other* form of sensory realism.
I also noticed, around that age, our general concepts of religion, science, nature, even biology, were almost akin to a shimmering spark of organized concepts on repeat. They only slightly moved in rhythm and scale by their one, very tiny trivial persistence over time. Often spoken about as a magical grand illusion, the doer and doing fell away. All the while the illustrator (a creator) couldn’t persist in solitude, aside from this. Those bits are prevalent in my minds mental gymnastics. I realize that might not make sense, but it’s not important that it does.
If you really want to know, to understand precisely what your are, everything around is screaming at you, exactly who and what your are, you just need to “listen”.